Struggle

If you are taking the time to read this, I’m hoping you’ll take a few more minutes to share your thoughts on this subject when you’re done.  I’m struggling with this a bit today and would be grateful to learn from you!

Some days, like today, I just don’t understand myself.  I just don’t understand how easily I can get sucked back, back into thinking certain meaningless things are important in life, back into thinking that what other people think of me is at least part of what defines me…back into forgetting that if I am pleasing God that is all that should concern me.

For me, identifying the activities I’m supposed to be involved with is a balancing act, but my see-saw often leans too far in one direction or the other.  I fall short whenever the teeter-totter in my mental schoolyard hits the ground, which it does often.  Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up and say, “God, will You please run my life?”

I do pray for God to run my life…but, the fact is, I am often faced with choices and I’m not always sure He is guiding my decisions.  Every time I utter that familiar refrain, “God, will You please run my life?” I wonder who it is that’s whispering in my ear.  Is it Him or me?  I am hearing God speaking to me or am I simply replaying my own thoughts in my head like an audio book?  I get the two confused, I think.

Do any of you confuse the two?  How can any of us tell the difference?  I really don’t know the answer, but I’m eager to learn.  I mean, I know that if I have a strange, mean, or judgmental thought that is obviously not good, I’m responsible for it or, maybe, something demonic is.  But, when I’m trying to maintain balance in my decision-making process, I can’t distinguish between my thoughts and what God is trying to tell me, if anything.

I have been blessed on several occasions because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has spoken directly to me.  I would describe these experiences as an inside thing between me and God.  Only He knows all of my thoughts and beliefs, and I believe some things are simply of God, like His presence, His words.  I just wish these experiences would occur more often…or, better yet, on a regular basis.  I know I can’t have everything my way, that I can’t schedule weekly conference calls with God as I can with my coworkers, but I wish I had some assurance that He is guiding me in the decisions I make both frequently and infrequently.

Maybe I don’t have this certainty because I don’t pray enough.  Maybe I don’t have it because I don’t read the Bible enough.  Maybe I don’t have it because I’m unworthy…because I was born a sinner.

The fact is, I just don’t know why I don’t.  Do you?